


Soliloquy

by L_C_Darius



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Missing Scene, Pre-Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-17
Updated: 2011-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-26 04:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_C_Darius/pseuds/L_C_Darius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beverly copes with an unpleasant task and an unexpected loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Soliloquy

Personal Log, Stardate 47135.4

I’m going to preface this by saying what I’m doing here is wrong. You would think that many years of faithful service to Starfleet would entitle a person to a little benefit of the doubt, but apparently that’s too much to ask for. I know he’s gone, but can’t we allow the man at least a few days of mourning before clearing him away like he never existed? I suppose not.

Alright, here we go. Inventory: Personal Quarters, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, USS Enterprise. Declared deceased on Stardate 47135.2 by, well, myself.

I suppose the desk is as good a place as any to begin. One large datapadd. Six isolinear chips, unlabeled. One phaser, type II, no charge left. One stylus-no, make that two, one with a damaged tip. One tea cup, empty. Dirty. Hmm. I always figured Jean-Luc wouldn’t be the type to leave dishes around once he’d finished with them. I’m not bothering to box this up, it’s going straight back into the replicator where it came from.

It’s times like this that I hate being a doctor. Will is so convinced that Jean-Luc is still alive out there somewhere. I envy him that certainty. I saw those tricorder readings, I know what they mean: Jean-Luc is dead. A stupid, damn bar fight. God, it’s such a waste. He was on shore leave. No one’s supposed to die on shore leave. If I’d have known, I’d have stopped pestering him to take vacations years ago. Not that I’m blaming myself. Deanna wouldn’t like that very much, would she? She already thinks I’m bitter.

And who knows, maybe I am bitter. Maybe I’ve got a right to be bitter. I appreciate what Will is trying to do and if he turns out to be right I’ll owe him like I’ve never owed anyone before. But I don’t think he’s right. And if he’s not, we’ve all lost the time to mourn Jean-Luc properly. If he really is dead, by the time we’re allowed the opportunity, we’ll have a new captain. Will won’t let him linger and I suppose that’s admirable

I don’t know what to make of Admiral Chekote.... The only conclusion I can come to is that he doesn’t have the heart to pull Will’s hopes out from under him. The Enterprise is on detached duty, yes, but the Admiral wants Jean-Luc’s quarters cleared out as soon as possible. So here I am, barely days after we finally managed to track down what’s left of him, reducing his worldly possessions to a list and storing them away in boxes.

Speaking of which… I’m distracting myself. One Ressikan flute. I’ll need to pack that in something. I’d hate for it to break. One Risian Horga’hn. Creepy looking little thing, isn’t it? At least only the head is over-sized. One…Computer what is this?

The object is a complete Kurlan naiskos dating from the Third Dynasty, from the workshop of the Master of Tarquin Hill. It is said to represent the Kurlan philosophy that the-

Thank you, computer, that’s quite enough. One Kurlan naiskos. I’ll never understand how Jean-Luc could be so fascinated by this sort of thing. It doesn’t look that special to me. Actually, it looks a little like an Antedean with a head cold. It’s just a silly, stupid, ugly little statue. Certainly not something worth dying over….

Oh, God, if that wasn’t a loaded statement. I know archaeology is perfectly valid and important. I just…I’m angry and I’m tired and I’m hurt and…. Was this archaeological dig so important that he felt he had to put himself in danger over it? It’s selfish, that’s what it is. The past doesn’t matter. It’s not worth dying for, not if it means leaving behind people who care about you. Dammit, where does he get off dying on me?

Now I’m crying. I am not going to cry. That is not happening, not here, not now.

Alright, I’m alright. I don’t know how I feel. I want to believe he’s still alive out there, but I’m afraid to let myself believe that in case he’s not. I can’t just throw my scans out because I don’t want them to be true. Cellular residue is cellular residue and that’s all there is too it. Deanna said the Yridian was telling the truth when he said Jean-Luc was vaporized. As far as I’m concerned, that should be convincing enough. And it is, but at the same time it’s not.

No one’s told Wesley yet. Starfleet Command is keeping the whole affair quiet as a favor to Will and I certainly haven’t written him. What am I supposed to say? I don’t even know what he meant to us. He was Wesley’s captain, yes, but he was more than that. And yet Jean-Luc was always less than a father-figure. He was always careful about that. Even after all these years it’s a little awkward for him.

I always thought we’d have time to figure things out. We never talked about whatever there was between us. He wouldn’t have brought it up. Maybe I should have. There’s so much I don’t know about him. I’ve known the man for more than half my life and I still feel like I’m in a stranger’s quarters or like I’m invading his privacy by being here. I wish he would have been more open with me. There were times when he would look at me and something would be lurking in his eyes but he never brought it up. I guess I won’t ever find out now, will I?

Listen to me getting all melodramatic. It was what it was. We were friends and we were there when we needed one another. I suppose that’s what really matters. I could really use him now.

God, I’m a mess. I should go see Deanna. There’s time to finish this later.

Computer, end log.


End file.
